Open Door Policy

I’m going to get in a lot of trouble for this post but I’m going to do it anyway.  The wife and I grew up less than 10 miles from each other.  In many ways we grew up very similarly.  In others, we couldn’t have been more different.  My family is very private.  For example, every once in a while I will find out one of my parents or a sibling had a surgery I didn’t know about.  No, I’m not talking about cosmetic surgeries that people (try to) keep secret.  I’m talking hanging a bladder in a hammock inside your torso type of surgery.   I joke with the wife about her family having an emergency contact tree of aunts, uncles and cousins that is swiftly and efficiently put into effect when someone gets a hangnail.  This open-ness goes as far as the bathroom where they have what I like to call an open-door policy.  This is something I don’t understand, even after nearly 15 years of marriage. 

Anyway, a short time ago I was experiencing the type of emergency that requires a restroom.  The first bathroom was locked and I knew the wife was in the shower in the other.  I had to think quickly.  “Ok, stay calm but think quickly” I thought to myself.  “Let’s see…..the neighbors!!! Nope, too far, you’ll never make it.  Ok, how about outside?  No way, it’s way too cold.  Besides, no matter how horrific this emergency is, you’ll never be able to perform if you think there’s a snowball’s chance in Hades that someone might see you.”  Then I remembered the open-door policy.  Maybe I could sneak in and be gone without her ever noticing.  As I knew it would be, the door was unlocked and the crisis was avoided.  However, my peace was only temporary. 

No sooner than I began to diffuse the situation someone began pounding on the door (yes, I locked the door behind me).  I tried to stay quiet so that my presence wouldn’t be revealed.  The pounding continued as someone was trying desperately to get into the room.  Finally I erupted, “What do you want?  Mom is naked and I’m …..” well, I won’t finish exactly what I said.  I looked up and was horrified to see that Nelly had somehow opened the door and was reaching the telephone into the bathroom, saying that someone was on the line for me.  I grabbed the phone, hoping whomever it was had given up and hung up.  When I saw the line was still live I did what I saw as the only option….I hung up the phone.  I just hope that the person on the line isn’t like me and rushed to their computer to blog about it.

Bottles and Bertha

With the new year comes a new Sunday School class at church.  The kids in class this year didn't spill their guts quite as much as those of years gone by.  However, I did hear a funny story outside of class.  I had Buck Double and his bottle most of the day and every once in a while I'd squeeze the bottle and flick it at people, giving them a slight sprinkle of milk.  When I did this to one boy it reminded him of an incident he had to tell me.  He said that if he didn't finish his cereal his dad would take him into the bathroom and dump the cereal over his head.  To one of you, if you know this is your son I got a good laugh out of it.  If it doesn’t sound familiar, your son is a story teller.

This also reminds me of someone I neglected to mention the last time I told stories about family secrets the kids have told in the past.  One girl’s mom asked her if she wanted to go to Sonic.  Instead of going to Sonic, however, they ended up going to see Bertha the counselor. She was so mad at being duped that she tried turning it back on her parents for not giving her enough attention.  I think I need to dig a little deeper into the new class to see if I can get some better stories.

All Because

I don’t know why it bothers me, but I hate the saying, “All Because Two People Fell In Love.”  It seems as though every other house I’ve been in lately has a family picture with that saying above it.  Maybe the problem is that they are overstating the obvious.  I think I should place a sign above my family picture at home that says, “All Because She Forgot To Take The Pill.”  Perhaps I should put a sign above the fridge that says, “All Because We Went To The Store” or one above the outside of my front door that says, “All Because I Have A  Job.” 

I’ve found that this saying can come in quite handy, especially when things are out of control at home.  For example, at around midnight two nights ago Wally was violently throwing up and Lunchmeat was going on and on about how hot it was in the house and that we needed to turn on the air conditioning.  This, of course, woke everyone else up in the house.  I rolled over in bed, looked at the wife and said, “All because two people fell in love.”  I think if you use this saying at every opportunity possible, you’ll find that it can be almost as much fun as “that’s what she said.”