Champions

Something really disturbs me.  What bothers me is somewhat related to the problem I have with 80 year old baseball managers wearing a uniform, only this issue is much worse.  Why do guys insist on wearing thigh-exposing shorts when they go jogging or head-to-toe spandex when they ride bikes?  Whenever I see grown men exercising in those clothes I am forced to ask myself why.  After much reflection (apparently I reflect on men in spandex a little too much) I have decided that it has to be for one of three reasons:

1)       They are not really in it for the exercise, but rather because they are addicted to speed.  Think about it logically…the more clothing, especially baggy clothing, the more wind resistance.  This causes you to work harder, thus getting a better workout.  These men obviously either love the thrill of the extra .0435 mph they gain on a bicycle by wearing skin tight clothes or they are hoping to be discovered by a Tour De France recruiter.

2)       They look so darn good that it would be crime to deny the world of seeing every curve of their streamlined body.

3)      They want to not only be a champion, but to look like one in everything they do.

I must admit that the more I think of this, the more inspired I am to be a champion in everything I do.  From now on, this is how you will see me dressed for these activities:

Swimming at the Community Pool

Pickup Basketball Games at the Park

Rec League Men’s Softball

Fishing at the Lake

Driving to the Store to Pick Up a Loaf of Bread

Ice Skating With The Family

So to all you spandex/short shorts guys out there I have only one thing to say…..thank you for helping me look like a champion in everything I do.

Sleep Deprivation

Lately the kids have been driving me crazy with something.  Out of the blue they have decided that they are going to fight about where they sit in the car.  Every time we try to go somewhere they rush to the car screaming about “calling” the front seat.  Those who end up in the back intentionally maul the front row sitters as much as possible as they climb over the seat.  We don’t go anywhere without plenty of yelling, hitting, kicking and crying.  It’s almost as if they don’t think they give me enough reasons to bark at them in the first place.

So the other night we were leaving the park when the bulrush began.  Wally and Nelly ran to the car to commence the now traditional scrum.  When I unlocked the doors, Wally threw the door open hitting Nelly in the chin, causing her to stumble backwards and fall down in the ditch.  For the whole neighborhood to hear I immediately started my rant as I scampered around the car to beat the tar out of Wally.  “Why do we have to do this every d@mn time we get in the car?  I’m so sick and tired of this.  I’m telling you, if this happens again you’ll all be…..blah, blah, blah.”  I looked back into the park to see the wife doubled over laughing.  I thought she was just laughing at my loss of control but there was more to it than that.

A little boy, probably 6 or 7, was standing by her watching the whole thing with a look of complete shock on his face.  The wife turned to him and said, “wow, that guy is really mean.”  “I know,” he replied, “I don’t think he got enough sleep last night.”   

Terminal illness

Over the past few months I have been experiencing a feeling that has only become increasingly more intense in recent weeks.  I have felt as though I have a friend or family member, whom I am extremely close to, that has a terminal illness and has only been given a short time to live.  I feel as though I should be grateful for the wonderful time we have spent together and that memories will live on forever, however I can't help but feel a tremendous sadness for the imminent departure.

Before I go on, allow me to explain something from the past.  When the wife was pregnant with Buck Double she was very sick and spent a lot of time in bed.  To help pass the time we decided to try a new TV show.  We went to the store and picked up the first season of Lost.  The next several days had us glued to the TV.  After only 3 or 4 days I rushed to the store to pick up the second season.  Season after season followed.  We were sucked into the shocking plot changes and surprises.  New characters surfaced while new information about existing characters was continually presented.  When it was announced that the next season would be the last, we were thrilled to have so many complex questions answered and wondered how it could be possible to tie everything together.  The further into the last season we got, the more we realized all of the questions weren't going to be answered.  By the time the final episode finally aired, only one general solution was presented that didn't answer any of the specific questions I was dying to know about characters, situations and events.  Needless to say, I was disappointed.

Many of you you know the good friend I have who was given such a short time to live.  His name is Harry Potter.  Last night I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, thus ending the life of the Harry Potter Series.  I have read a lot of books, but none of them compare to Harry Potter.  In every series I have read, I have found something that didn't make sense or that really bugged me (don't get me started on Twilight).  Not so with Harry Potter.  There have only been a few instances when I thought, "I don't really like this" but those instances have been rare and inconsequential to the scope of the series.  Even when the movies varied a bit from the books, it wasn't enough to bother me.

When the first Deathly Hallows movie came out, I joked about how JK Rowling must have sold her soul to the devil in order to write something so perfect.  I still stand by that accusation.  Unlike Lost, as Harry and his friends grew up, and as Voldemort became more powerful, plots and story lines always tied together.  Closure was given for every character and answers were given for every question.  We know why Harry, Dumbledore, Snape, Voldemort and so many other characters did the things that they did from the first chapter of The Sorcerers Stone to the last chapter of The Deathly Hallows.

I, like so many others, couldn't help but get sucked into the world of Harry Potter.  To us, Hogwarts is real and continues to educate young witches and wizards today.  We all wish that we'd have received a letter to study there along side Harry, Ron and Hermione.  We watched them grow up and cheered for them to defeat the most perfect face of evil. Everything was so believable that it had to be real.

For those of you who haven't read the Harry Potter series, you are missing out.  I know many of you are laughing at me right now for being such a nerd.  I too, used to be one of those people.  Give the books a try,  I promise you won't be disappointed.  If I still haven't convinced you, go mow your lawn.  As for me, I'm headed back to Number 4 Privet Drive... for the fifth time.

Another One

I don't know why kids always seem to tell me funny things.  Ok, so sometimes I do try to get them to spill the beans on their parents, but in these cases I swear to you that all information was unsolicited and voluntarily given.  Here we go with another round of kids saying the darndest things.

Dr: How old are you?
Alimatu:
The wife: She's 3.
Dr: What is your favorite color?
Alimatu:  Dogs
(This one might be my fault.  She has always had a hard time remembering how old she is so I used to tease her a little about it.  Now, when someone asks her that question she panics and gets flustered)

Neighbor:  My dad has bald hair.
Me:  Really?  Did he shave his head?
Neighbor: No, he has BALL hair (pointing with both fingers to his nether reaches).  So does my mom.  So does my sister.
Me:  Are my cookies burning?  I have to go in the house to check on them.

Neighbor:  Is your dog's name Cassie or Assie?
Me:  Assie
Neighbor:  Come here Assie, you're so cute, good dog.

Neighbor:  Do you want to hear me sing?
Me:  Not only do I want to hear you sing, I want to sing with you.  Can I?
Neighbor:  Ummmm, no.
Me (singing just like Elf): I'm siiiiiinging.  We're at the park and I'm siiiiinging.  Ooooooh how I love to siiiiiiing.
Neighbor:  Nevermind.

I Have Been Deceived

As you know, the purpose of this blog is to tell funny stories about my life events and, hopefully, make people laugh.  I hope you’ll forgive me but today I need to vent, as I have just realized I was dealt an enormous injustice years ago. 

Today I read an article on www.ksl.com about how a local school district wants to force teachers into merit pay.  For now I’m going to ignore the issues of merit pay, unions, class sizes, etc in order to focus on one point.  Here are some comments that were made by teachers, private sector employees and a few people I’m pretty sure might have spent the morning rolling doobies:

“If you are in it for the money, then you should not be teaching. The low pay has been that way and will not change anytime soon (that is unfortunate)”

“I hope to see more teachers unions here in the right to work state of Utah.  Utah was rated one of the lowest paying states right behind Mississippi when comes to wages earned. Utah teachers too are one of the lowest paid. It's time for teachers unions to step up. With so many children in the state of Utah, we need to take care of our future, our children and pay our teachers the pay they deserve, even if it means raising taxes.  This should be our number one priority here in the state of Utah.”

“Unfortunately, this is a familiar topic with public education. I know that teachers have a tough job and low pay, but they need to join the real world where pay increases, continued employment and promotions are based on performance.”

“How many other jobs in America REQUIRE a college education, continuing education and demand the hours and dedication of a teacher; while offering such low pay?”

“As long as you agree to work for peanuts, you will be treated like monkeys.”

“If you want big money become an engineer or get your masters or doctorate to set you apart. If you want to have summers off and only go to four years of college, teaching may be for you.”

“Teacher pay should be a dead issue. My wife is a special education teacher. We both have bachelor degrees. If you were to calculate her pay for a full 12 months worked she makes close to what I do. I would take the pay cut to get three months in the summer off.”

“Good teachers should be paid more.”

“I picked my career for other reasons than pay. Though, I DO think it ridiculous that I cannot support myself on my salary alone. Pay is not the only reason teachers become teachers--and thank goodness. If teachers were paid really well, we'd get a lot of really bad teachers--people in it for the money and not because they love students and love teaching. It's that willingness to sacrifice good pay for something greater that makes good teachers good.”

What do all of these comments have in common?  The low pay of teachers.  Only one of all of the comments I read dared state that teachers make good money,this includes people for and against merit pay.  My dream job (my real dream jobs of being a professional athlete, actor or swimsuit model aren’t exactly realistic) has always been to be a high school teacher.  However, what is it they always say about teachers?  That’s right, they don’t make any money.  With that understanding I took a different career path. 

After reading these comments I went online to www.utahsright.com to see just how low teachers are paid.  In my little school district I found that there are over 400 employees who make more than $80,000 per year.  Yes, I realize that some of these are district employees however, the vast majority are principals and teachers (yes, I am also aware that many of the higher paid teachers have been teaching for a long time).  That is $80,000 with 3 months of vacation every summer!  Adjusted to a 12 month work year, $80,000 turns out to be over $106,000.  Hardly peanuts as mentioned in the comments above.

I don’t mean this to be an insult to teachers.  I am not a teacher, therefore I can’t pass judgement on what fair pay for teachers is.   

The actual question I have is this, “where in the name of everything good and holy was my high school guidance counselor?”   I'd have signed up to be a teacher long ago if only I knew the truth.  Oh wait, there he is, getting paid $98,623 ($131,497 annualized) to guard the best kept secret in the entire world.   

Boom, Roasted!

My favorite show on TV is The Office.  I truly hope it didn’t “jump the shark” when Michael Scott left.  I watch that show and think, “Man, I so belong on that show.”  Anyway, the other night the kids and I were watching The Office.  The episode was one in which Michael decides they should have a Roast of him.  He gathers everyone in the warehouse, sits on a stage and lets everyone have a chance to come on stage and make fun of him.  Insult after insult soon get to him, he gets his feelings hurt and walks away, not even coming back to work the next day.  When he finally does come back, he takes a moment to Roast each person, hurling an insult at them and following it up with, “boom, roasted!”    For example, he turns to Jim and says, “Jim, you are 6’11 and 130 lbs.  Gumby has a better physique than you. Boom, roasted!”

If you really know me, you will not be surprised to know this inspired me to immediately begin roasting my family.  The following are some of the roasts I threw out:

“Nelly, you are so short that the only person you are taller than is your boyfriend.  Boom, roasted!”  (For the record, she doesn’t have a boyfriend but I do like to tease her about a few of the boys her age.)

“G-Unit, you lay on the floor and pout so much they have officially changed the name of snow angels to ‘G-Unit Angels.  Boom, roasted!” (This one is much better when I use her real name.)

“Buck Double, you look like a minion on Despicable Me.  Boom, roasted!”

“Lunch Meat, you are so hyper you make [insert hyper neighborhood kid’s name here] look dull and boring.  Boom, roasted!”

“Alimatu, you eat deodorant…enough said.  Boom, roasted!”

“Wally, you still have baby teeth.  You’ll be the only student in your high school yearbook missing his front teeth.  Boom, roasted!” 

“Wife, you are so good at putting away your clothes that the neighbors have started calling our house Mt. Saint Laundry.  Boom, roasted!”

As you can imagine, I was having a great time with this when Nelly shouted out, “Dad, you get zits on your nose that make you look like Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.  Boom, roasted!”  Everyone laughed out loud and started making comments like, “Yeah, that was a really bad one last week but I didn’t want to say anything.”

Now that was definitely a hit below the belt, absolutely uncalled for.  Like I always say, “It’s all fun and games until someone retaliates and turns my own games against me.” 

As for those of you who are giggling because you too noticed the unsightly blemish/boil/zit/cancerous tumor I had for no less than 10 days….Yes, I saw you staring at it when you talked to me.  Yes, I understand that it was like driving past a car wreck and you had to look.  And finally… Yes, I hate you.

Movie Quotes

Despite the fact that a million different people have told me I remind them of Will Farrell, I am always cautious when watching one of his movies.  His movies seem to be completely hilarious (Elf and Kicking and Screaming are two of my all-time favorite movies.  If you haven't seen them, you should.) or a complete flop (Ron Burgundy).  Because of this, I was cautiously optimistic about his animated movie, "Megamind."  I ended up being very pleasantly surprised with this movie.  The following banter between Megamind (the bad guy) and Metro Man (the good guy) is one of the funniest dialogues I have heard in a long time:

Megamind: Over here, old friend! In case you've noticed, you've fallen right into my trap.
Metro Man: You can't trap justice. It's an idea, a belief!
Megamind: But, even the most heartfelt belief can be corroded over time.
Metro Man: Justice is a non-corrosive metal.
Megamind: But metals can be melted by the heat of revange!
Metro Man: It's 'revenge', and it's best served cold!
Megamind: But it can be easily reheated in the microwave of evil!
Metro Man: Well, I think your warranty's about to expire!
Megamind: Maybe I got an extended warranty!
Metro Man: Warranties are invalid if you don't use the product for it's intended purpose!
Roxanne Ritchie: Uuhh! Girls, girls, you're both pretty! Can I go home now!

Thinking of these lines remind me of some movie quotes that I like to use every once in a while that, when people hear them, are likely to be completely confused as to why I chuckle when I say them.

1.  "Ollo."  This is how Megamind answers the phone.  90% of the time this is how I answer the phone.

2.  "Are you serious, Clark?"  On Christmas Vacation, Clark Griswold is standing at the table and says, "hey kids, I heard the weatherman on the news say there is an unidentified flying object over New York (I might have paraphrased this a bit)."  At which point, cousin Eddie replies, "Are you serious, Clark?"  This is a great question to ask when someone tells you something strange or unbelievable.

3.  "Do you honestly think I don't know that?"  Another line from Christmas Vacation.  This one happens at the beginning when the Griswold's are driving out to the woods to pick out a Christmas tree.  On the way, they get into a little road rage incident in which the family wagon ends up driving underneath a semi trailer, right between the axles.  Ellen Griswold turns to Clark and states, "Clark, we are under a semi (again, paraphrasing)."  Clark turn to her and asks in exasperation, "Do you honestly think I don't know that?"  I love this line when someone states the obvious.

If you have any other lines that should be added to my daily conversations, please let me know.

I Figured It Out

The following are even more items that Alimatu has been eating:

 Nerf Baseball Bat

Flip Flop

Men's Deodorant

Women's Deodorant

I love the last picture.  One morning I got out of the shower and saw that sitting on the counter top.  I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the little teeth marks in the deodorant.

Noticing all of the items she has attempted to eat in the past little while started to make me nervous.  I wondered if she has a vitamin deficiency or something that she should see a doctor about.  Then, the other day, I saw something that explained it all.  Our kitchen table is a pub table, meaning it is really tall.  The chairs we use at it are essentially bar stools.  Wally was sitting at the table eating chicken nuggets when he realized he needed a drink.  I watched him get off the chair and walk away from the table.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, Alimatu flashed into the room, scaled the bar stool, nicked a chicken nugget, went back down the chair and under the table where she sat cross-legged and ate the nugget.  She did it with such stealth and quickness that the answer was obvious.....my daughter is half squirrel. 

Update on the Derby Girls

After a week of torture I was able to get my money back from AAR.  They told me so many lies about the entire ordeal but thankfully it is over.  I was hoping they were the guilty ones and that ended up being the case.  We can now officially lift the boycott on the Happy Valley Derby Darlins (not that this tiny blog has enough readers to do anything).  It seems as though they were lied to/mislead as much as I was.  Also, kudos to IHC for all of their help throughout this mess. 


If you know anyone who was towed from Food 4 Less, please let them know that AAR has been required to refund the money.

To the HVDD:  Good luck with your league, I hope it works out for you.  I appreciate your comments and hopefully this will end up being good publicity for you (Unfortunately I really don't have many readers).