Boom, Roasted!

My favorite show on TV is The Office.  I truly hope it didn’t “jump the shark” when Michael Scott left.  I watch that show and think, “Man, I so belong on that show.”  Anyway, the other night the kids and I were watching The Office.  The episode was one in which Michael decides they should have a Roast of him.  He gathers everyone in the warehouse, sits on a stage and lets everyone have a chance to come on stage and make fun of him.  Insult after insult soon get to him, he gets his feelings hurt and walks away, not even coming back to work the next day.  When he finally does come back, he takes a moment to Roast each person, hurling an insult at them and following it up with, “boom, roasted!”    For example, he turns to Jim and says, “Jim, you are 6’11 and 130 lbs.  Gumby has a better physique than you. Boom, roasted!”

If you really know me, you will not be surprised to know this inspired me to immediately begin roasting my family.  The following are some of the roasts I threw out:

“Nelly, you are so short that the only person you are taller than is your boyfriend.  Boom, roasted!”  (For the record, she doesn’t have a boyfriend but I do like to tease her about a few of the boys her age.)

“G-Unit, you lay on the floor and pout so much they have officially changed the name of snow angels to ‘G-Unit Angels.  Boom, roasted!” (This one is much better when I use her real name.)

“Buck Double, you look like a minion on Despicable Me.  Boom, roasted!”

“Lunch Meat, you are so hyper you make [insert hyper neighborhood kid’s name here] look dull and boring.  Boom, roasted!”

“Alimatu, you eat deodorant…enough said.  Boom, roasted!”

“Wally, you still have baby teeth.  You’ll be the only student in your high school yearbook missing his front teeth.  Boom, roasted!” 

“Wife, you are so good at putting away your clothes that the neighbors have started calling our house Mt. Saint Laundry.  Boom, roasted!”

As you can imagine, I was having a great time with this when Nelly shouted out, “Dad, you get zits on your nose that make you look like Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.  Boom, roasted!”  Everyone laughed out loud and started making comments like, “Yeah, that was a really bad one last week but I didn’t want to say anything.”

Now that was definitely a hit below the belt, absolutely uncalled for.  Like I always say, “It’s all fun and games until someone retaliates and turns my own games against me.” 

As for those of you who are giggling because you too noticed the unsightly blemish/boil/zit/cancerous tumor I had for no less than 10 days….Yes, I saw you staring at it when you talked to me.  Yes, I understand that it was like driving past a car wreck and you had to look.  And finally… Yes, I hate you.