Happy Valley Derby Darlins

**** Update:  The Happy Valley Derby Darlins were not at fault.  See my next post for details****

I ride a carpool van to work almost every day.  There is an abandoned Food 4 Less building in town that we have been parking our cars at for a long, long time.  Yesterday afternoon we came back into the parking lot to find all of our cars missing.  Looking around we saw a sign stating WARNING CURRENT CUSTOMER PARKING ONLY.  NO OVERNIGHT PARKING.  None of the 10 people who ride our van had ever seen the sign before.  It may be that the signs were installed that day, it may be the location of where we park or it may be that a few engineers, computer guys and a bean counter are just too used to the drive (arriving at 5:00am in the dark) or too dumb to have noticed the signs before.  In any case, we didn’t see the signs and got towed.  One person in the van called the number on the sign and reached AAR Towing (American Automobile Recovery) in Springville, UT 801-798-7779.  He asked why we weren’t warned and was told that they had installed the signs three weeks ago and that last week they put warnings on all of the cars in the parking lot.  None of us received said warning.  We were told that they were closed for the day but if we showed up with $250 cash each, he would release our cars.

When we arrived at AAR, we asked simple questions that anyone in their right mind would ask:  Who owns the property?  Who decided that we should be towed instead of booted? Which establishment were the “customers” supposed to go to since the building is vacant? Etc etc.  I swear on my life that I was calm and well spoken when I asked “why weren’t we given a warning?”  Apparently that was crossing the line because the owner stood up and released a tirade of F Bombs that would make a sailor blush.  He told us that thanks to me they are closed and no one is getting their car back.   He said (this is actually kind of funny) I was “trying to intimidate him with a fake, deep voice.”  The guys I was with just looked at me like, “what the heck is this guy talking about?”   Eventually he released everyone’s car but mine.  While going through the paperwork, he also mentioned that he is a PPI (Police Private Investigator).  Talk about intimidation, sheesh.  When we were there the guys told us that IHC owns the property and they don’t want anyone there.  We were told they have been towing cars out of there “like crazy” so apparently we aren’t the only ones who didn't notice the signs.

This morning, together with my police escort to avoid other crazy charges or accusations, I retrieved my car.  Driving home I noticed another car being towed from the same parking lot.  While I was there I heard someone call asking who owns the Food 4 Less property.  AAR was very vague in telling them that IHC owns the property however, he accidentally let it slip to me that a Roller Derby team is leasing the property from them.  The paperwork I had to ASK for a copy of says that NS (I know your name but won't use it here) is the person who requested the tow. 

A quick search on the internet has lead me to some very interesting information.  Turns out, NS is starting a roller derby league called the HAPPY VALLEY DERBY DARLINS in the old Food 4 Less building in Spanish Fork, Utah.  They have been having fundraisers and are renovating the building.  The sad part is, I love sports and think it’s a really cool idea to start a roller derby league.  Besides, I used to watch that on TV when I was a kid and those girls can be kinda hot.

Was HVDD and AAR within their legal rights to do what they did?  Yes.  Did they have other options?  Obviously.  How about a $35 parking ticket instead of $225 to get my car released, missing my son’s baseball game and missing work for 4 hours which I either have to make up or use vacation time for?  I’m hoping that NS just didn’t think this through or doesn’t realize what the towing company is doing to her public relations.  Or could she be taking a cut from AAR?  That would be a quick way to raise money for the league.

NS, I would like to offer an open invitation to you….Get AAR to refund my $225 and half of it goes to your team as a donation.  I’ll even deliver it to you on the opening night of your derby as your number one fan.

Until then, I am boycotting HVDD and giving AAR the bird every time I pass their tow truck on the street.  I urge everyone to join me.

I Did It Again

Today two new home teachers stopped by. I don't know either of them very well but they are both really nice, good guys. While they were there, another neighbor came over. Their family is moving and needed someone to watch their cat and love bird for a couple of days. After he left, the wife turned to our home teachers and said, "One thing you guys should know about me is that I never say no." Apparently my giggling was neither appropriate nor appreciated.

How Do They Survive?

Ok, it's time for a quiz.  Which of the following items has Alimatu successfully eaten?

 Candles

 Decorative Fruit

 Melted Wax in an Air Freshener

 Crayons

 An Avocado - From the Outside In

 And the answer is....All of the above.  Yes, she has eaten each and every one of these items.  I have also found a Cup O' Noodles cup with a bite taken out of the styrofoam cup.

Thinking of this has resurfaced the age old question in my mind:  Why do kids do the things they do?  What made Lunch Meat stuff the popcorn kernal up his nose?  Then why, having not learned his lesson, did he cram an air soft bb into his inner ear? 

What exactly goes through a child's mind when he takes a popcorn kernal, looks at it intently, and thinks to himself, "I wonder what would happen if I stuffed this as far into my nose as possible?"  What good could possibly come from such an act?  Never before in my life have I been at work, paused, and thought to myself, "Into which orifice of my body would this paperclip be most appropriately placed?"

In case you were wondering, it doesn't do any good to try to go in after the wedged kernal.  The best way to remove it is to plug the other nostril and tell the child to blow as hard as he can.  Safety glasses are a must, as the kernal will shoot out of the nose at a dangerous rate of speed.  In the case of the air soft bb lodged in the inner ear....it's best to consult one's pediatrician then proceed to the nearest ear nose and throat specialist.  

Having never committed such an egregious act, I am left to ponder why they happen.  I know there are some of you who have, so please enlighten me on what exactly you were thinking when you did. Then again, I shouldn't be too critical.  I did, after all, take the 50 piece chicken mcnugget challenge.

A Juicy Little Tale About My Neighbor

At work yesterday I ran into someone from the same town as two of my good friends here in the neighborhood.  It is a really small town so I knew she would know them by reputation at the very least.  When I said their names she told me that one of them (we'll call him Rykeis) was one of her best friends all growing up.  She probably wondered why my eyes lit up so brightly when I asked her to tell me some funny stories about him.  I said, "I'll bet he was always into mischief," trying to lead her into a good story.  Little did she know, I was fishing for info to add to my blog.

To show her that she had my full, undivided attention, I pulled out my Quick-Quotes-Quill as she laughed about one particularly juicy tale.  "So one night we all decided to sleep out in my front yard," she began.  "Oh my goodness, this is going to be good" I thought to myself.  "Early the next morning I could hear someone in the house," she continued.  "I knew my mom was at work so I started to freak out about what was going on inside."  Suddenly, in my mind I had visions of my good friend caught in a dress, adjusting his nylons with Madonna playing quietly in the background.  My pulse raced, my heart fluttered as I waited for the climax of her story.  "I walked in the house and there was Rykeis..." yes, this is so perfect...." cooking breakfast for all of us.  He used like two cases of eggs!!!"

I felt like Ralphie on The Christmas Story after he finally got to see Santa to ask him for a Red Rider BB gun only to be told, "you'll shoot your eye out, kid."  She must've noticed the shocked disappointment on my face for the colossal letdown she had just delivered because she quickly tried to recover with a new story.  It was something about writing "$hit" under the word "Dip" on all the signs in town but it was too late, the damage was done, I had been disappointed.

Haunted River Part 2

It looks like the river is wanting a little revenge from me.  The river is rising fast and is forecasted to get even higher.  In most areas it is usually 8-10 feet across and gets as wide as 20 feet.  It is obviously much larger now.  I'll have to post more pictures in the coming days.

Yesterday

Today

 

Yesterday

Today

Artsy Graphic

There is something I really like about this picture but I don't know what it is.  For some reason I can totally imagine this on t-shirts, window stickers and all over the internet.  I can't seem to put my finger on why I think it's so cool.

 Oh wait, I just realized why I like it so much....this picture is made from my toe nails!!!

Family Fun

I’m not always the big fat meanie the wife and  knuckleheads would have you believe.  Every once in a while I like to try to organize fun-filled family adventures that, unfortunately, have a tendency to end up like a good ole fashioned Griswold Family Christmas.  For example, there is a river that runs from the mouth of the canyon for about 5 miles until it winds straight through our neighborhood.  Once I decided it would be fun to drive up to the canyon and float the river all they way back to our neighborhood in a raft and tubes.  On paper the plan was flawless.  However, the execution of said plan left a lot to be desired.

Unforeseen Item 1:  Upon hitting the water  I quickly realized that car tire tubes were not meant to keep a two  hundred and lakfdj;l pound man afloat.  My can was dragging through the sand and bouncing off rocks like nobody’s business.  It must be torture for dogs who have worms if dragging their butts down the sidewalk is preferred to dealing with the itch.

Unforeseen Item 2: I was truly surprised at how quickly different size kids on different size tubes scatter.  Not since I burst out of my front door in my underwear to scare away toilet papering neighborhood kids have I seen kids take off in so many different directions and at such different speeds.  Luckily there was a rope in the raft and I was able to tie everyone together and hold the rope while I walked the river.

Unforeseen Item 3:  Along the river there are lots of tree branches that hang across the river and plenty of places where the water was so deep I couldn’t touch the bottom of the river.  It took some tricky steering to maneuver under and through some of the branches and deep spots.

Unforeseen Item 4:  While attempting to navigate through some particularly low-hanging branches, Wally began to scream the most panicked scream in the history of panicked screams.  I looked to see him on the tube on his back staying as low as he could in order to get under the branch.  Three inches from his face was the biggest, scariest cat spider in the world.  Apparently they string their webs across the water all along the river to catch mosquitoes, as we saw hundreds of the spiders on our trip down the river. 

Unforeseen Item 5:  I had forgotten that G-Unit is a bee magnet.  No one is more terrified of bees than she is and nobody gets stung nearly as much as G-Unit.  Five minutes into the trip she was stung and spent the rest of the ride in the fetal position, sucking her thumb in the raft. 

Unforeseen Item 6:  We came around one corner to find a dead cat, incredibly bloated, floating in the river.  When I saw the open wound on its side I told the kids to just keep their mouths closed and not let any water in until we were a few hundred yards downstream (Yes, I do realize the cat germs would accompany us the rest of the way down the river). 

Unforeseen Item 7:   I thought we had safely made it to the home stretch when we passed under the bridge where the highway crosses the river.  Little did we know that a homeless man had made a camp under the bridge.  His campfire was still smoldering and his backpack was still there as we passed by.  My kids have never been so quiet in their entire lives.

Each one of the kids cried at least once during our adventure which verifies to me that the trip was a success.  A few months later we were driving down the road when Lunchmeat reminisced out of the blue, “remember when we floated down the haunted river?”