Chirp Chirp

A few weeks ago I awoke in the middle of the night to "chirp, chirp."  A few minutes later, there it was again, "chirp, chirp."  This annoying sound continued throughout the night.  I'm sure you are well aware of the sound I'm referring to...a smoke detector with a low battery.  Honestly, is there a more annoying sound in the whole world?  It is literally impossible to get a decent night's sleep when this happens.  The next morning I got up, replaced the battery and went to work only to come home and find the smoke detector still chirping.  I figured the battery must have been old so I took the smoke detector off the ceiling and put it away for a while.

A couple of nights ago I woke up to the chirps again.  This time it was in the unfinished part of the basement.  Yesterday I went to the store, picked up some shiny new batteries, put them in the two bad smoke detectors, placed them back on the ceiling and went to bed.  Much to my dismay, I woke up at 3:00 in the morning to the chirping once again.  This time they double teamed me, spacing the chirps perfectly so that my sleep was interrupted with "chirp, chirp" every 15 seconds.  It felt as though someone was drilling into my frontal lobe with every chirp.  I leapt out of bed, grabbed both smoke detectors, wrapped them in a towel to silence them and went back to bed.  Finally I was able to get a bit of peaceful sleep, even if it was only for an hour.  So what happened next?  Of course, you guessed it, "chirp, chirp."  This time I stormed out of bed, grabbed the smoke detectors, threw them onto the front porch and got in the shower to get ready for work. 

When I came home from work I was greeted by the sweet chirping sounds on my front porch.  Without any premediated thought, a devious plan was hatched in my head.  The formula was so simple.

Take two possessed smoke detectors.

Add one cement porch.

Gently add a baseball(at approx 65 miles per hour).  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Etc.

What do you get? 

That's right.....no more chirpy chirpy. 

I guess they learned not to mess with me.

Champions

Something really disturbs me.  What bothers me is somewhat related to the problem I have with 80 year old baseball managers wearing a uniform, only this issue is much worse.  Why do guys insist on wearing thigh-exposing shorts when they go jogging or head-to-toe spandex when they ride bikes?  Whenever I see grown men exercising in those clothes I am forced to ask myself why.  After much reflection (apparently I reflect on men in spandex a little too much) I have decided that it has to be for one of three reasons:

1)       They are not really in it for the exercise, but rather because they are addicted to speed.  Think about it logically…the more clothing, especially baggy clothing, the more wind resistance.  This causes you to work harder, thus getting a better workout.  These men obviously either love the thrill of the extra .0435 mph they gain on a bicycle by wearing skin tight clothes or they are hoping to be discovered by a Tour De France recruiter.

2)       They look so darn good that it would be crime to deny the world of seeing every curve of their streamlined body.

3)      They want to not only be a champion, but to look like one in everything they do.

I must admit that the more I think of this, the more inspired I am to be a champion in everything I do.  From now on, this is how you will see me dressed for these activities:

Swimming at the Community Pool

Pickup Basketball Games at the Park

Rec League Men’s Softball

Fishing at the Lake

Driving to the Store to Pick Up a Loaf of Bread

Ice Skating With The Family

So to all you spandex/short shorts guys out there I have only one thing to say…..thank you for helping me look like a champion in everything I do.

Sleep Deprivation

Lately the kids have been driving me crazy with something.  Out of the blue they have decided that they are going to fight about where they sit in the car.  Every time we try to go somewhere they rush to the car screaming about “calling” the front seat.  Those who end up in the back intentionally maul the front row sitters as much as possible as they climb over the seat.  We don’t go anywhere without plenty of yelling, hitting, kicking and crying.  It’s almost as if they don’t think they give me enough reasons to bark at them in the first place.

So the other night we were leaving the park when the bulrush began.  Wally and Nelly ran to the car to commence the now traditional scrum.  When I unlocked the doors, Wally threw the door open hitting Nelly in the chin, causing her to stumble backwards and fall down in the ditch.  For the whole neighborhood to hear I immediately started my rant as I scampered around the car to beat the tar out of Wally.  “Why do we have to do this every d@mn time we get in the car?  I’m so sick and tired of this.  I’m telling you, if this happens again you’ll all be…..blah, blah, blah.”  I looked back into the park to see the wife doubled over laughing.  I thought she was just laughing at my loss of control but there was more to it than that.

A little boy, probably 6 or 7, was standing by her watching the whole thing with a look of complete shock on his face.  The wife turned to him and said, “wow, that guy is really mean.”  “I know,” he replied, “I don’t think he got enough sleep last night.”   

Terminal illness

Over the past few months I have been experiencing a feeling that has only become increasingly more intense in recent weeks.  I have felt as though I have a friend or family member, whom I am extremely close to, that has a terminal illness and has only been given a short time to live.  I feel as though I should be grateful for the wonderful time we have spent together and that memories will live on forever, however I can't help but feel a tremendous sadness for the imminent departure.

Before I go on, allow me to explain something from the past.  When the wife was pregnant with Buck Double she was very sick and spent a lot of time in bed.  To help pass the time we decided to try a new TV show.  We went to the store and picked up the first season of Lost.  The next several days had us glued to the TV.  After only 3 or 4 days I rushed to the store to pick up the second season.  Season after season followed.  We were sucked into the shocking plot changes and surprises.  New characters surfaced while new information about existing characters was continually presented.  When it was announced that the next season would be the last, we were thrilled to have so many complex questions answered and wondered how it could be possible to tie everything together.  The further into the last season we got, the more we realized all of the questions weren't going to be answered.  By the time the final episode finally aired, only one general solution was presented that didn't answer any of the specific questions I was dying to know about characters, situations and events.  Needless to say, I was disappointed.

Many of you you know the good friend I have who was given such a short time to live.  His name is Harry Potter.  Last night I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, thus ending the life of the Harry Potter Series.  I have read a lot of books, but none of them compare to Harry Potter.  In every series I have read, I have found something that didn't make sense or that really bugged me (don't get me started on Twilight).  Not so with Harry Potter.  There have only been a few instances when I thought, "I don't really like this" but those instances have been rare and inconsequential to the scope of the series.  Even when the movies varied a bit from the books, it wasn't enough to bother me.

When the first Deathly Hallows movie came out, I joked about how JK Rowling must have sold her soul to the devil in order to write something so perfect.  I still stand by that accusation.  Unlike Lost, as Harry and his friends grew up, and as Voldemort became more powerful, plots and story lines always tied together.  Closure was given for every character and answers were given for every question.  We know why Harry, Dumbledore, Snape, Voldemort and so many other characters did the things that they did from the first chapter of The Sorcerers Stone to the last chapter of The Deathly Hallows.

I, like so many others, couldn't help but get sucked into the world of Harry Potter.  To us, Hogwarts is real and continues to educate young witches and wizards today.  We all wish that we'd have received a letter to study there along side Harry, Ron and Hermione.  We watched them grow up and cheered for them to defeat the most perfect face of evil. Everything was so believable that it had to be real.

For those of you who haven't read the Harry Potter series, you are missing out.  I know many of you are laughing at me right now for being such a nerd.  I too, used to be one of those people.  Give the books a try,  I promise you won't be disappointed.  If I still haven't convinced you, go mow your lawn.  As for me, I'm headed back to Number 4 Privet Drive... for the fifth time.

Another One

I don't know why kids always seem to tell me funny things.  Ok, so sometimes I do try to get them to spill the beans on their parents, but in these cases I swear to you that all information was unsolicited and voluntarily given.  Here we go with another round of kids saying the darndest things.

Dr: How old are you?
Alimatu:
The wife: She's 3.
Dr: What is your favorite color?
Alimatu:  Dogs
(This one might be my fault.  She has always had a hard time remembering how old she is so I used to tease her a little about it.  Now, when someone asks her that question she panics and gets flustered)

Neighbor:  My dad has bald hair.
Me:  Really?  Did he shave his head?
Neighbor: No, he has BALL hair (pointing with both fingers to his nether reaches).  So does my mom.  So does my sister.
Me:  Are my cookies burning?  I have to go in the house to check on them.

Neighbor:  Is your dog's name Cassie or Assie?
Me:  Assie
Neighbor:  Come here Assie, you're so cute, good dog.

Neighbor:  Do you want to hear me sing?
Me:  Not only do I want to hear you sing, I want to sing with you.  Can I?
Neighbor:  Ummmm, no.
Me (singing just like Elf): I'm siiiiiinging.  We're at the park and I'm siiiiinging.  Ooooooh how I love to siiiiiiing.
Neighbor:  Nevermind.

I Have Been Deceived

As you know, the purpose of this blog is to tell funny stories about my life events and, hopefully, make people laugh.  I hope you’ll forgive me but today I need to vent, as I have just realized I was dealt an enormous injustice years ago. 

Today I read an article on www.ksl.com about how a local school district wants to force teachers into merit pay.  For now I’m going to ignore the issues of merit pay, unions, class sizes, etc in order to focus on one point.  Here are some comments that were made by teachers, private sector employees and a few people I’m pretty sure might have spent the morning rolling doobies:

“If you are in it for the money, then you should not be teaching. The low pay has been that way and will not change anytime soon (that is unfortunate)”

“I hope to see more teachers unions here in the right to work state of Utah.  Utah was rated one of the lowest paying states right behind Mississippi when comes to wages earned. Utah teachers too are one of the lowest paid. It's time for teachers unions to step up. With so many children in the state of Utah, we need to take care of our future, our children and pay our teachers the pay they deserve, even if it means raising taxes.  This should be our number one priority here in the state of Utah.”

“Unfortunately, this is a familiar topic with public education. I know that teachers have a tough job and low pay, but they need to join the real world where pay increases, continued employment and promotions are based on performance.”

“How many other jobs in America REQUIRE a college education, continuing education and demand the hours and dedication of a teacher; while offering such low pay?”

“As long as you agree to work for peanuts, you will be treated like monkeys.”

“If you want big money become an engineer or get your masters or doctorate to set you apart. If you want to have summers off and only go to four years of college, teaching may be for you.”

“Teacher pay should be a dead issue. My wife is a special education teacher. We both have bachelor degrees. If you were to calculate her pay for a full 12 months worked she makes close to what I do. I would take the pay cut to get three months in the summer off.”

“Good teachers should be paid more.”

“I picked my career for other reasons than pay. Though, I DO think it ridiculous that I cannot support myself on my salary alone. Pay is not the only reason teachers become teachers--and thank goodness. If teachers were paid really well, we'd get a lot of really bad teachers--people in it for the money and not because they love students and love teaching. It's that willingness to sacrifice good pay for something greater that makes good teachers good.”

What do all of these comments have in common?  The low pay of teachers.  Only one of all of the comments I read dared state that teachers make good money,this includes people for and against merit pay.  My dream job (my real dream jobs of being a professional athlete, actor or swimsuit model aren’t exactly realistic) has always been to be a high school teacher.  However, what is it they always say about teachers?  That’s right, they don’t make any money.  With that understanding I took a different career path. 

After reading these comments I went online to www.utahsright.com to see just how low teachers are paid.  In my little school district I found that there are over 400 employees who make more than $80,000 per year.  Yes, I realize that some of these are district employees however, the vast majority are principals and teachers (yes, I am also aware that many of the higher paid teachers have been teaching for a long time).  That is $80,000 with 3 months of vacation every summer!  Adjusted to a 12 month work year, $80,000 turns out to be over $106,000.  Hardly peanuts as mentioned in the comments above.

I don’t mean this to be an insult to teachers.  I am not a teacher, therefore I can’t pass judgement on what fair pay for teachers is.   

The actual question I have is this, “where in the name of everything good and holy was my high school guidance counselor?”   I'd have signed up to be a teacher long ago if only I knew the truth.  Oh wait, there he is, getting paid $98,623 ($131,497 annualized) to guard the best kept secret in the entire world.   

Boom, Roasted!

My favorite show on TV is The Office.  I truly hope it didn’t “jump the shark” when Michael Scott left.  I watch that show and think, “Man, I so belong on that show.”  Anyway, the other night the kids and I were watching The Office.  The episode was one in which Michael decides they should have a Roast of him.  He gathers everyone in the warehouse, sits on a stage and lets everyone have a chance to come on stage and make fun of him.  Insult after insult soon get to him, he gets his feelings hurt and walks away, not even coming back to work the next day.  When he finally does come back, he takes a moment to Roast each person, hurling an insult at them and following it up with, “boom, roasted!”    For example, he turns to Jim and says, “Jim, you are 6’11 and 130 lbs.  Gumby has a better physique than you. Boom, roasted!”

If you really know me, you will not be surprised to know this inspired me to immediately begin roasting my family.  The following are some of the roasts I threw out:

“Nelly, you are so short that the only person you are taller than is your boyfriend.  Boom, roasted!”  (For the record, she doesn’t have a boyfriend but I do like to tease her about a few of the boys her age.)

“G-Unit, you lay on the floor and pout so much they have officially changed the name of snow angels to ‘G-Unit Angels.  Boom, roasted!” (This one is much better when I use her real name.)

“Buck Double, you look like a minion on Despicable Me.  Boom, roasted!”

“Lunch Meat, you are so hyper you make [insert hyper neighborhood kid’s name here] look dull and boring.  Boom, roasted!”

“Alimatu, you eat deodorant…enough said.  Boom, roasted!”

“Wally, you still have baby teeth.  You’ll be the only student in your high school yearbook missing his front teeth.  Boom, roasted!” 

“Wife, you are so good at putting away your clothes that the neighbors have started calling our house Mt. Saint Laundry.  Boom, roasted!”

As you can imagine, I was having a great time with this when Nelly shouted out, “Dad, you get zits on your nose that make you look like Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.  Boom, roasted!”  Everyone laughed out loud and started making comments like, “Yeah, that was a really bad one last week but I didn’t want to say anything.”

Now that was definitely a hit below the belt, absolutely uncalled for.  Like I always say, “It’s all fun and games until someone retaliates and turns my own games against me.” 

As for those of you who are giggling because you too noticed the unsightly blemish/boil/zit/cancerous tumor I had for no less than 10 days….Yes, I saw you staring at it when you talked to me.  Yes, I understand that it was like driving past a car wreck and you had to look.  And finally… Yes, I hate you.

Movie Quotes

Despite the fact that a million different people have told me I remind them of Will Farrell, I am always cautious when watching one of his movies.  His movies seem to be completely hilarious (Elf and Kicking and Screaming are two of my all-time favorite movies.  If you haven't seen them, you should.) or a complete flop (Ron Burgundy).  Because of this, I was cautiously optimistic about his animated movie, "Megamind."  I ended up being very pleasantly surprised with this movie.  The following banter between Megamind (the bad guy) and Metro Man (the good guy) is one of the funniest dialogues I have heard in a long time:

Megamind: Over here, old friend! In case you've noticed, you've fallen right into my trap.
Metro Man: You can't trap justice. It's an idea, a belief!
Megamind: But, even the most heartfelt belief can be corroded over time.
Metro Man: Justice is a non-corrosive metal.
Megamind: But metals can be melted by the heat of revange!
Metro Man: It's 'revenge', and it's best served cold!
Megamind: But it can be easily reheated in the microwave of evil!
Metro Man: Well, I think your warranty's about to expire!
Megamind: Maybe I got an extended warranty!
Metro Man: Warranties are invalid if you don't use the product for it's intended purpose!
Roxanne Ritchie: Uuhh! Girls, girls, you're both pretty! Can I go home now!

Thinking of these lines remind me of some movie quotes that I like to use every once in a while that, when people hear them, are likely to be completely confused as to why I chuckle when I say them.

1.  "Ollo."  This is how Megamind answers the phone.  90% of the time this is how I answer the phone.

2.  "Are you serious, Clark?"  On Christmas Vacation, Clark Griswold is standing at the table and says, "hey kids, I heard the weatherman on the news say there is an unidentified flying object over New York (I might have paraphrased this a bit)."  At which point, cousin Eddie replies, "Are you serious, Clark?"  This is a great question to ask when someone tells you something strange or unbelievable.

3.  "Do you honestly think I don't know that?"  Another line from Christmas Vacation.  This one happens at the beginning when the Griswold's are driving out to the woods to pick out a Christmas tree.  On the way, they get into a little road rage incident in which the family wagon ends up driving underneath a semi trailer, right between the axles.  Ellen Griswold turns to Clark and states, "Clark, we are under a semi (again, paraphrasing)."  Clark turn to her and asks in exasperation, "Do you honestly think I don't know that?"  I love this line when someone states the obvious.

If you have any other lines that should be added to my daily conversations, please let me know.

I Figured It Out

The following are even more items that Alimatu has been eating:

 Nerf Baseball Bat

Flip Flop

Men's Deodorant

Women's Deodorant

I love the last picture.  One morning I got out of the shower and saw that sitting on the counter top.  I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the little teeth marks in the deodorant.

Noticing all of the items she has attempted to eat in the past little while started to make me nervous.  I wondered if she has a vitamin deficiency or something that she should see a doctor about.  Then, the other day, I saw something that explained it all.  Our kitchen table is a pub table, meaning it is really tall.  The chairs we use at it are essentially bar stools.  Wally was sitting at the table eating chicken nuggets when he realized he needed a drink.  I watched him get off the chair and walk away from the table.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, Alimatu flashed into the room, scaled the bar stool, nicked a chicken nugget, went back down the chair and under the table where she sat cross-legged and ate the nugget.  She did it with such stealth and quickness that the answer was obvious.....my daughter is half squirrel. 

Update on the Derby Girls

After a week of torture I was able to get my money back from AAR.  They told me so many lies about the entire ordeal but thankfully it is over.  I was hoping they were the guilty ones and that ended up being the case.  We can now officially lift the boycott on the Happy Valley Derby Darlins (not that this tiny blog has enough readers to do anything).  It seems as though they were lied to/mislead as much as I was.  Also, kudos to IHC for all of their help throughout this mess. 


If you know anyone who was towed from Food 4 Less, please let them know that AAR has been required to refund the money.

To the HVDD:  Good luck with your league, I hope it works out for you.  I appreciate your comments and hopefully this will end up being good publicity for you (Unfortunately I really don't have many readers). 

Happy Valley Derby Darlins

**** Update:  The Happy Valley Derby Darlins were not at fault.  See my next post for details****

I ride a carpool van to work almost every day.  There is an abandoned Food 4 Less building in town that we have been parking our cars at for a long, long time.  Yesterday afternoon we came back into the parking lot to find all of our cars missing.  Looking around we saw a sign stating WARNING CURRENT CUSTOMER PARKING ONLY.  NO OVERNIGHT PARKING.  None of the 10 people who ride our van had ever seen the sign before.  It may be that the signs were installed that day, it may be the location of where we park or it may be that a few engineers, computer guys and a bean counter are just too used to the drive (arriving at 5:00am in the dark) or too dumb to have noticed the signs before.  In any case, we didn’t see the signs and got towed.  One person in the van called the number on the sign and reached AAR Towing (American Automobile Recovery) in Springville, UT 801-798-7779.  He asked why we weren’t warned and was told that they had installed the signs three weeks ago and that last week they put warnings on all of the cars in the parking lot.  None of us received said warning.  We were told that they were closed for the day but if we showed up with $250 cash each, he would release our cars.

When we arrived at AAR, we asked simple questions that anyone in their right mind would ask:  Who owns the property?  Who decided that we should be towed instead of booted? Which establishment were the “customers” supposed to go to since the building is vacant? Etc etc.  I swear on my life that I was calm and well spoken when I asked “why weren’t we given a warning?”  Apparently that was crossing the line because the owner stood up and released a tirade of F Bombs that would make a sailor blush.  He told us that thanks to me they are closed and no one is getting their car back.   He said (this is actually kind of funny) I was “trying to intimidate him with a fake, deep voice.”  The guys I was with just looked at me like, “what the heck is this guy talking about?”   Eventually he released everyone’s car but mine.  While going through the paperwork, he also mentioned that he is a PPI (Police Private Investigator).  Talk about intimidation, sheesh.  When we were there the guys told us that IHC owns the property and they don’t want anyone there.  We were told they have been towing cars out of there “like crazy” so apparently we aren’t the only ones who didn't notice the signs.

This morning, together with my police escort to avoid other crazy charges or accusations, I retrieved my car.  Driving home I noticed another car being towed from the same parking lot.  While I was there I heard someone call asking who owns the Food 4 Less property.  AAR was very vague in telling them that IHC owns the property however, he accidentally let it slip to me that a Roller Derby team is leasing the property from them.  The paperwork I had to ASK for a copy of says that NS (I know your name but won't use it here) is the person who requested the tow. 

A quick search on the internet has lead me to some very interesting information.  Turns out, NS is starting a roller derby league called the HAPPY VALLEY DERBY DARLINS in the old Food 4 Less building in Spanish Fork, Utah.  They have been having fundraisers and are renovating the building.  The sad part is, I love sports and think it’s a really cool idea to start a roller derby league.  Besides, I used to watch that on TV when I was a kid and those girls can be kinda hot.

Was HVDD and AAR within their legal rights to do what they did?  Yes.  Did they have other options?  Obviously.  How about a $35 parking ticket instead of $225 to get my car released, missing my son’s baseball game and missing work for 4 hours which I either have to make up or use vacation time for?  I’m hoping that NS just didn’t think this through or doesn’t realize what the towing company is doing to her public relations.  Or could she be taking a cut from AAR?  That would be a quick way to raise money for the league.

NS, I would like to offer an open invitation to you….Get AAR to refund my $225 and half of it goes to your team as a donation.  I’ll even deliver it to you on the opening night of your derby as your number one fan.

Until then, I am boycotting HVDD and giving AAR the bird every time I pass their tow truck on the street.  I urge everyone to join me.

I Did It Again

Today two new home teachers stopped by. I don't know either of them very well but they are both really nice, good guys. While they were there, another neighbor came over. Their family is moving and needed someone to watch their cat and love bird for a couple of days. After he left, the wife turned to our home teachers and said, "One thing you guys should know about me is that I never say no." Apparently my giggling was neither appropriate nor appreciated.

How Do They Survive?

Ok, it's time for a quiz.  Which of the following items has Alimatu successfully eaten?

 Candles

 Decorative Fruit

 Melted Wax in an Air Freshener

 Crayons

 An Avocado - From the Outside In

 And the answer is....All of the above.  Yes, she has eaten each and every one of these items.  I have also found a Cup O' Noodles cup with a bite taken out of the styrofoam cup.

Thinking of this has resurfaced the age old question in my mind:  Why do kids do the things they do?  What made Lunch Meat stuff the popcorn kernal up his nose?  Then why, having not learned his lesson, did he cram an air soft bb into his inner ear? 

What exactly goes through a child's mind when he takes a popcorn kernal, looks at it intently, and thinks to himself, "I wonder what would happen if I stuffed this as far into my nose as possible?"  What good could possibly come from such an act?  Never before in my life have I been at work, paused, and thought to myself, "Into which orifice of my body would this paperclip be most appropriately placed?"

In case you were wondering, it doesn't do any good to try to go in after the wedged kernal.  The best way to remove it is to plug the other nostril and tell the child to blow as hard as he can.  Safety glasses are a must, as the kernal will shoot out of the nose at a dangerous rate of speed.  In the case of the air soft bb lodged in the inner ear....it's best to consult one's pediatrician then proceed to the nearest ear nose and throat specialist.  

Having never committed such an egregious act, I am left to ponder why they happen.  I know there are some of you who have, so please enlighten me on what exactly you were thinking when you did. Then again, I shouldn't be too critical.  I did, after all, take the 50 piece chicken mcnugget challenge.

A Juicy Little Tale About My Neighbor

At work yesterday I ran into someone from the same town as two of my good friends here in the neighborhood.  It is a really small town so I knew she would know them by reputation at the very least.  When I said their names she told me that one of them (we'll call him Rykeis) was one of her best friends all growing up.  She probably wondered why my eyes lit up so brightly when I asked her to tell me some funny stories about him.  I said, "I'll bet he was always into mischief," trying to lead her into a good story.  Little did she know, I was fishing for info to add to my blog.

To show her that she had my full, undivided attention, I pulled out my Quick-Quotes-Quill as she laughed about one particularly juicy tale.  "So one night we all decided to sleep out in my front yard," she began.  "Oh my goodness, this is going to be good" I thought to myself.  "Early the next morning I could hear someone in the house," she continued.  "I knew my mom was at work so I started to freak out about what was going on inside."  Suddenly, in my mind I had visions of my good friend caught in a dress, adjusting his nylons with Madonna playing quietly in the background.  My pulse raced, my heart fluttered as I waited for the climax of her story.  "I walked in the house and there was Rykeis..." yes, this is so perfect...." cooking breakfast for all of us.  He used like two cases of eggs!!!"

I felt like Ralphie on The Christmas Story after he finally got to see Santa to ask him for a Red Rider BB gun only to be told, "you'll shoot your eye out, kid."  She must've noticed the shocked disappointment on my face for the colossal letdown she had just delivered because she quickly tried to recover with a new story.  It was something about writing "$hit" under the word "Dip" on all the signs in town but it was too late, the damage was done, I had been disappointed.

Haunted River Part 2

It looks like the river is wanting a little revenge from me.  The river is rising fast and is forecasted to get even higher.  In most areas it is usually 8-10 feet across and gets as wide as 20 feet.  It is obviously much larger now.  I'll have to post more pictures in the coming days.

Yesterday

Today

 

Yesterday

Today

Artsy Graphic

There is something I really like about this picture but I don't know what it is.  For some reason I can totally imagine this on t-shirts, window stickers and all over the internet.  I can't seem to put my finger on why I think it's so cool.

 Oh wait, I just realized why I like it so much....this picture is made from my toe nails!!!

Family Fun

I’m not always the big fat meanie the wife and  knuckleheads would have you believe.  Every once in a while I like to try to organize fun-filled family adventures that, unfortunately, have a tendency to end up like a good ole fashioned Griswold Family Christmas.  For example, there is a river that runs from the mouth of the canyon for about 5 miles until it winds straight through our neighborhood.  Once I decided it would be fun to drive up to the canyon and float the river all they way back to our neighborhood in a raft and tubes.  On paper the plan was flawless.  However, the execution of said plan left a lot to be desired.

Unforeseen Item 1:  Upon hitting the water  I quickly realized that car tire tubes were not meant to keep a two  hundred and lakfdj;l pound man afloat.  My can was dragging through the sand and bouncing off rocks like nobody’s business.  It must be torture for dogs who have worms if dragging their butts down the sidewalk is preferred to dealing with the itch.

Unforeseen Item 2: I was truly surprised at how quickly different size kids on different size tubes scatter.  Not since I burst out of my front door in my underwear to scare away toilet papering neighborhood kids have I seen kids take off in so many different directions and at such different speeds.  Luckily there was a rope in the raft and I was able to tie everyone together and hold the rope while I walked the river.

Unforeseen Item 3:  Along the river there are lots of tree branches that hang across the river and plenty of places where the water was so deep I couldn’t touch the bottom of the river.  It took some tricky steering to maneuver under and through some of the branches and deep spots.

Unforeseen Item 4:  While attempting to navigate through some particularly low-hanging branches, Wally began to scream the most panicked scream in the history of panicked screams.  I looked to see him on the tube on his back staying as low as he could in order to get under the branch.  Three inches from his face was the biggest, scariest cat spider in the world.  Apparently they string their webs across the water all along the river to catch mosquitoes, as we saw hundreds of the spiders on our trip down the river. 

Unforeseen Item 5:  I had forgotten that G-Unit is a bee magnet.  No one is more terrified of bees than she is and nobody gets stung nearly as much as G-Unit.  Five minutes into the trip she was stung and spent the rest of the ride in the fetal position, sucking her thumb in the raft. 

Unforeseen Item 6:  We came around one corner to find a dead cat, incredibly bloated, floating in the river.  When I saw the open wound on its side I told the kids to just keep their mouths closed and not let any water in until we were a few hundred yards downstream (Yes, I do realize the cat germs would accompany us the rest of the way down the river). 

Unforeseen Item 7:   I thought we had safely made it to the home stretch when we passed under the bridge where the highway crosses the river.  Little did we know that a homeless man had made a camp under the bridge.  His campfire was still smoldering and his backpack was still there as we passed by.  My kids have never been so quiet in their entire lives.

Each one of the kids cried at least once during our adventure which verifies to me that the trip was a success.  A few months later we were driving down the road when Lunchmeat reminisced out of the blue, “remember when we floated down the haunted river?”

Open Door Policy

I’m going to get in a lot of trouble for this post but I’m going to do it anyway.  The wife and I grew up less than 10 miles from each other.  In many ways we grew up very similarly.  In others, we couldn’t have been more different.  My family is very private.  For example, every once in a while I will find out one of my parents or a sibling had a surgery I didn’t know about.  No, I’m not talking about cosmetic surgeries that people (try to) keep secret.  I’m talking hanging a bladder in a hammock inside your torso type of surgery.   I joke with the wife about her family having an emergency contact tree of aunts, uncles and cousins that is swiftly and efficiently put into effect when someone gets a hangnail.  This open-ness goes as far as the bathroom where they have what I like to call an open-door policy.  This is something I don’t understand, even after nearly 15 years of marriage. 

Anyway, a short time ago I was experiencing the type of emergency that requires a restroom.  The first bathroom was locked and I knew the wife was in the shower in the other.  I had to think quickly.  “Ok, stay calm but think quickly” I thought to myself.  “Let’s see…..the neighbors!!! Nope, too far, you’ll never make it.  Ok, how about outside?  No way, it’s way too cold.  Besides, no matter how horrific this emergency is, you’ll never be able to perform if you think there’s a snowball’s chance in Hades that someone might see you.”  Then I remembered the open-door policy.  Maybe I could sneak in and be gone without her ever noticing.  As I knew it would be, the door was unlocked and the crisis was avoided.  However, my peace was only temporary. 

No sooner than I began to diffuse the situation someone began pounding on the door (yes, I locked the door behind me).  I tried to stay quiet so that my presence wouldn’t be revealed.  The pounding continued as someone was trying desperately to get into the room.  Finally I erupted, “What do you want?  Mom is naked and I’m …..” well, I won’t finish exactly what I said.  I looked up and was horrified to see that Nelly had somehow opened the door and was reaching the telephone into the bathroom, saying that someone was on the line for me.  I grabbed the phone, hoping whomever it was had given up and hung up.  When I saw the line was still live I did what I saw as the only option….I hung up the phone.  I just hope that the person on the line isn’t like me and rushed to their computer to blog about it.

Bottles and Bertha

With the new year comes a new Sunday School class at church.  The kids in class this year didn't spill their guts quite as much as those of years gone by.  However, I did hear a funny story outside of class.  I had Buck Double and his bottle most of the day and every once in a while I'd squeeze the bottle and flick it at people, giving them a slight sprinkle of milk.  When I did this to one boy it reminded him of an incident he had to tell me.  He said that if he didn't finish his cereal his dad would take him into the bathroom and dump the cereal over his head.  To one of you, if you know this is your son I got a good laugh out of it.  If it doesn’t sound familiar, your son is a story teller.

This also reminds me of someone I neglected to mention the last time I told stories about family secrets the kids have told in the past.  One girl’s mom asked her if she wanted to go to Sonic.  Instead of going to Sonic, however, they ended up going to see Bertha the counselor. She was so mad at being duped that she tried turning it back on her parents for not giving her enough attention.  I think I need to dig a little deeper into the new class to see if I can get some better stories.

All Because

I don’t know why it bothers me, but I hate the saying, “All Because Two People Fell In Love.”  It seems as though every other house I’ve been in lately has a family picture with that saying above it.  Maybe the problem is that they are overstating the obvious.  I think I should place a sign above my family picture at home that says, “All Because She Forgot To Take The Pill.”  Perhaps I should put a sign above the fridge that says, “All Because We Went To The Store” or one above the outside of my front door that says, “All Because I Have A  Job.” 

I’ve found that this saying can come in quite handy, especially when things are out of control at home.  For example, at around midnight two nights ago Wally was violently throwing up and Lunchmeat was going on and on about how hot it was in the house and that we needed to turn on the air conditioning.  This, of course, woke everyone else up in the house.  I rolled over in bed, looked at the wife and said, “All because two people fell in love.”  I think if you use this saying at every opportunity possible, you’ll find that it can be almost as much fun as “that’s what she said.”