Saturday night was the wife’s high school class reunion. I won’t say which year, but it was a big one. It was a really nice night with good food, good music and good entertainment. One of her friends emceed the program and was hilarious. My favorite part was when he said, “Tonight we have quite a gathering of people. While we are all here I’d like to present you with an amazing opportunity.” As he said this, he went to the next slide which was a picture of a triangle. He was making an obvious reference to the many pyramid schemes that exist in our state and, specifically, our county.
I’m not exactly sure how it came about, but our valley seems to be the silicon valley of multi-level marketing. Maybe it has developed from an ungodly marriage of a desire for financial success and an extreme lack of creativity but, by my last count, there are no less than a dozen of these companies in my conservative little county. In my opinion, only one of these companies has any claim to legitimacy, as it sells a wide range of products and has stood the test of time (holy disclaimer-for-friends-of-mine-who-happen-to-work-for-that-company). The others, however, are nothing more than the exploitation of juice from a fruit that exists only in the remotest regions of the Brazilian rainforest where, for years, the natives have grown to a staggering height of nine feet and live to an average age of 235 by consuming nothing more than said fruit.
Under the guise of improving quality of life and creating financial independence, these “philanthropic geniuses” make outrageous claims of first-of-its-kind revolutions that will change the world. Imagine a life where you work from home, set your own hours, have the financial and scheduling independence to fulfill your wildest dreams, all while creating a race of superhuman genetic freaks that would put Dwight Howard to shame. As if this isn't enough, the company also has a goal to hug every orphan around the globe. Are you so excited?????? Make no mistake (wow, I sound just like Obama) they know their target audience and exactly how to seal the deal with them.
If you’d ever like a fun activity, try googling your favorite multi-level marketing company (oh wait, I’m sorry….NETWORK MARKETING) and watch the videos the executives send out to animate the troops. Nine times out of ten they are plagiarizing the snot out of the Mormon Church or the head coach of the local college football team. What did I mention before? Oh yeah, lack of creativity. As that executive thanks me for my hard work and convinces me that the company couldn’t possibly exist without me I can’t help but think….Is it my personal health, financial freedom and the orphans of the world he is so concerned about or does he just want me to purchase the required monthly minimum of $350 of juice that costs $15 (and all those in my downline who do the same) so that he can skip to the bank to make the deposit? Another fun activity is to attend one of these company’s annual conventions and/or parties and play close attention to the body mass of its employees. If the superfruit is so healthy, why are 7 out of 10 of their employees, including executives, dangerously obese?
I may never be carried off a Ugandan tarmac on a palanquin by thousands of adoring drones but there is a certain amount of honest satisfaction in cashing a check for having produced a real product to sell to real customers instead of selling marketing fluff under the disguise of a superjuice/gel/powder/pill that is, at most, the equivalent of a Flintstones chewable vitamin. If I’m wrong, please let me know…I dare you.
Wow, this blog is more therapeutic than I thought.
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