Paying it Forward

I'm not a blog stalker.  In fact, the only blogs I have ever really read were Nienie and the occasional search for old high school classmates.  Since I started this blog I have noticed other blogs and many have one thing in common....they are all pretty dang girly and crafty.  If I ever feel the urge to improve my table arrangements or decorate for an upcoming holiday, I know the wonderful world of blogs will give me everything I need.

I suppose it’s time for me to pay it forward and provide some useful information to the blogging world so here we go.

How to Fix a Bicycle Tire, the Man’s Way

INTRODUCTION:  It is important to remember that the principles discussed in this article can be applied to all manly tasks.  I have found them particularly useful in assembling cribs and swing sets, repairing lawn mowers and making that pesky stroller fit in the tiny trunk of a Honda Civic (for the entertaining version of this story feel free to contact the wife).

When completing a manly task it is imperative to keep in mind that the job has not been successfully completed until the wife has stormed away in anger or offered to do the job herself and at least one child is in tears.

Step 1:  Put off doing the job for at least two weeks.  No matter how often or how intense the nagging gets, a manly man always puts off doing the job.  This allows the wife and/or children to more fully appreciate the job once it has been completed.

Step 2:  Complain about your lack of sleep and the hard day you have already put in as you set up the bike and gather the needed tools.  Raise your voice significantly higher when someone has misplaced the bike pump.

Step 3:  Remove the cap from the valve stem and release as much air as possible from the tube.  Insert large screwdriver between the tire and the rim and attempt to pry the tire from the rim.  Utter a low-level curse word just loud enough for any spectators to hear when the tire finally slips off the rim and your knuckles hit the concrete and begin to bleed.  The curse word will remind any spectators that you are feeling slightly volatile at this point and it is best for them to keep their distance.

Step 4:  Nag the wife about the dishes in the sink as you remove them, making sure to spread them all over the countertop.  During this process I have found it most effective to once again remind everyone within shouting distance that I have already put in a full day of work.  Wives really appreciate the intimation that while you were working hard all day long she was relaxing, allowing the dishes to pile up in the sink.

Step 5:  Fill the sink, inflate the bike tube and prepare to dunk it in the water.  At this point show the children and the wife all of the many patches you have already placed on the bike tube.  This will impress them, as they will be reminded just how much work you do for them.

Step 6:  Dunk the tube in the water and identify the leak where the bubbles are coming out.  Hold your finger near the hole as you dry off the tube.  Curse a mid-level swear word when you lose track of the hole.  Repeat Step 6 and mark the hole with a sharpie.

Step 7:  Secure a patch and attempt to remove the lid from the used tube of glue.  Curse an upper-level swear word quietly when glue squirts into your mouth from removing the lid with your teeth.

Step 8:  Apply glue to the area surrounding the leak and place a patch over the glue.  Complain boisterously about how the glue is supposed to dry quickly but the patch keeps sliding around the surface of the tube because of the wet glue.

Step 9:  Place tube and tire on the rim, inserting the stem first.  Attempt to fit the tire around the circumference of the rim.  At this point it is always necessary to curse loudly and violently because the tire has shrunk 4 sizes and no longer fits on the rim.

Step 10:  Use a screwdriver to pry on the tire, inflate tire and attempt to attach tire to bike frame. Curse and throw something when the tire doesn’t fit through the brake calipers because you inflated it.

Step 11:  Deflate tire, attach to bike frame and reinflate the tire.

Step 12:  Repeat all steps the following day when you have either 1) poked a hole in the tube with the screwdriver when attempting to fit it on the rim or 2) a small leak is coming from under the patch because you didn’t give the glue enough time to dry.

By following these steps you will ensure that the wife won’t ask you to do another project for at least another 2 days.

In All His Glory

Day Off

So today I had the day off of work.  Turns out there actually are benefits to working for an old school, redneck company that still gives their employees the first Monday of the deer hunt off. Having the day off was very insightful into a day in the life of the wife.  We let the kids get up an hour late and get ready for school all by themselves while we slept in.  By about 10:00 we pulled ourselves out of bed, had brunch and tea on the bistro set under the pergola in the yard catching up on the local gossip with the neighborhood ladies then spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Maury Show.  The day was so enjoyable I think I’ll quit my job and invite TLC over to start a reality show based on my life.

Ok, so the day didn’t really go down like that, although I actually did catch the end of Maury.  Today’s show involved two women who had each invited two men onto the show to take a paternity test to find out who was the father of her baby.  My favorite woman was a delicate, 300lb daisy who bawled and wailed like our old milk cow Bessy after she had spent all afternoon feasting in the onion patch and got a terrible stomach ache.  When the test results came back her earring laden one-nighter promised to be a great father to her child while she scolded him sternly.  I see nothing but years upon years of wedded bliss in their future.  During a commercial break Maury invited anyone who suspects her mother is sleeping with her husband or boyfriend to call the show.  After observing this despicable and regrettable reflection of American society I have only two words to say…  AWE SOME!!!!!

I wanna be on Maury so badly now.  Since I don’t think my mother is sleeping with my husband OR my boyfriend, I decided to send Maury some of my true life experiences to see if he’ll invite me and one of my enemies onto the show.  Let me know which one I should send in.

Contestant #1:  This former neighbor hauled my cat first to the pound, then to a town 15 miles away, only to see him return time and time again.  He said we should keep the cats on a leash when we let them outside.  Thanks to this neighbor I have a police record for having a dog (a ferocious one at that) at large.  If you don’t believe me, simply check the site www.utahsright.com and search my name. 

Contestant #2:  This former friend was one of my best friends in high school.  He has spent the last 10 years out of state but recently returned home.  In a city league basketball game last year he taunted me, then tried to pick a fight with me because my team was winning.  Then, after the game, he put his arm around my shoulder and loved me up like nothing had happened.

Contestant #3: This current neighbor was pregnant and violently ill.  While playing a card game together I might have taken the smack talk and tomfoolery a bit too far as, three years later, she still gives me the stink eye each time she sees me.  I’ve treaded lightly around her these past three years for three reasons  1) I feel bad for my obnoxious behavior at her expense, 2) She has a brother with a neck thicker than my waist who seems very protective of her and  3) She maintains in her possession a photograph of me that I am not proud of that I definitely don't want to go viral.

Your input would be greatly appreciated.  Votes will be accepted until Friday.  My filter is broken and I approve of this message.

Crazy Cat Lady

The weather is supposed to get cold tomorrow, probably until March.  To most people this means it’s time to get out the warm clothes and start thinking about Christmas.  To me it means only one thing…the cats are going to want to start coming in the house again. 

Wow, that makes me sound like a crazy cat lady.  I have been called crazy before.  I have been called a lady before.  Heck, back in my younger, more athletic days I was even known for my cat-like quickness and agility.  Ok, I might be exaggerating a bit on that one.  However, in the state basketball tournament the fans for one team called me Dumbo every time I touched the ball.  I never really figured out what they meant by that so I just assumed they were comparing my jumping abilities to Dumbo and his ability to fly.  They couldn’t possibly have been referring to the size of my ears, even though I have since had ear reduction surgery.  I also couldn’t figure out why my own school would chant that at me.  I’m not sure what that has to do with me being a crazy cat lady so I’ll move on.  So I may have been called each of those names at one point or another in my life but never all bunched together in one accusation.

We have two cats that we have had for years.  As we live next to a large, mice infested field, the cats are usually content to stay outside most of the time, occasionally offering a great sacrifice of a mouse head or entire corpse on the front porch in thanksgiving for bringing them to such a paradisiacal mouse haven (I hope you’ll overlook this tremendous run-on sentence as you are so impressed at my awesome use of the word “paradisiacal.”  Admit it, you were impressed.)  Anyway, when it gets cold the cats like to come in the house.  This wouldn’t be much of a problem for me except for one thing, and this is totally disgusting….every once in a while they’ll find a blanket to urinate on.  I swear to you, not even the rotting remains of the two deer carcasses I buried under the cover of darkness in the field next to my house (yes, two detectives did pay me a visit- dang paranoid neighbors who were suspicious of what I was really burying) could smell worse than cat pee.    

Even the bulldog we used to have didn’t smell that bad.  I remember when we were house training her I’d wake up in the morning from a dream about steak.  I would honestly arise from my slumber wondering why it smelled meaty in our house.  I’d wake up thinking, “yum, something smells delicious” until I’d realize the smell was just a fresh, steaming land mine left by our mentally ill bulldog. 

I guess I better get to the point.  We sold the bulldog months ago, but does anyone need a couple of cats to keep them warm this winter?

Broken Stuff

Last night Wally came to me complaining that Alimatu broke his PSP.  I was actually kind of mad, but since I'm a "Told You So" kinda guy I had to tell him that now he knows how I feel when they break all of my stuff.  This made me start thinking about just how many items my kids have broken.  Let me name a few.

1.      50" Flat Screen TV.  They were downstairs watching it one night and fell asleep with it on.  When they woke up the sound worked but the picture was out.

2.      Toilet.  It was plugged and I couldn’t for the life of me get it unplugged.  I finally shut off the water and pulled it apart.  I broke it trying to get a batman toothbrush out of the bendy part of the porcelain.

3.       Front window of the house.  We hadn’t even moved into our new house before Nelly (11 year old daughter.  Her cousin once told her, “You’re so mean.  No wonder my dad calls you Nelly Olsen.”) threw a rock through the front window.

4.      Precious memorabilia.  I kept my precious trophies from the early 80s (can you say glory days?) in perfect condition for twenty years.  How could my kids possibly break them all AND my stuffed jackalope in a matter of months.

5.      Nintendo Game Cube.  Lunch Meat actually peed in a cup then opened the door where the disc goes and dumped the pee inside.  Wow, now that I think of it I believe this story deserves its own blog entry.

6.      Nintendo Wii drums.  I’m not sure how, but the connectors that plug into the drums got pulled off the wires.

7.      21,089 DVDs and CDs.  I don’t believe I own any that aren’t scratched beyond use.

8.      Trampoline.  This summer the springs would periodically fly off of the tramp from where they were sewed on.  In all fairness, I don’t believe this one was their fault.

9.      Window screens.  How could they possibly tear every single window screen in the entire house?

10.   Computer.  At first the sound stopped working, now it won’t even turn on.

11.  Bike tires.  This one wouldn’t be a big deal if I hadn’t fixed 4.2 million flat tires in the past 6 years.

12.  2002 Honda Odyssey.  Broken hinges on both sliding doors not to mention crayons, loose change and a key in the tape and CD players.  I believe this is also the car Wally peed in when the wife was taking too long in the grocery store.

13.  Last and most importantly…my children have broken my will to live. Hahahaha.

One thing is for sure, they better grow up to be wealthy to pay me back for all of this.  I’m sure I didn’t break anything when I was a kid.  Did you?

This is Better

After the previous post I feel like I need to come back and redeem myself so here it goes.....

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck between his legs.  The bartender says, "Wow, that looks really uncomfortable."  The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

There, I feel better.  I hope you do too.

My Soapbox

My grandma is painting the outside of her house this week so last night the wife and I drove her around town looking at houses to help her pick out the color.  While we were driving around she told us a very interesting story.  During the Great Depression her father lost his job so they moved to MLM Valley looking for work.  He, his wife and their six kids actually lived in a chicken coop while he looked for a job.  They stayed in the chicken coop until after he found a job and he and his friends had built a house. 

This blog is intended to make people laugh.  Sometimes I mention politics, but it’s usually in jest and my comments shouldn’t be taken seriously.   However, after hearing that story about my great-grandfather I can’t help but get on my soapbox for a bit today.  This isn’t a political message, rather it is more of a reflection of society today and I hope you’ll forgive me.

I can’t help but imagine how difficult it was for my great-grandfather, his wife and his children to humble themselves and do what they needed to do in order to survive.  I don’t know how they felt as they interacted with their peers during those circumstances but I’m sure it was difficult.  Maybe people understood the gravity of the times and knew that everyone had to do the best they could to get by. Maybe situations like this were common but I don’t know.  I have been out of work before and it affected me more than just financially.  As bad as things may have been, I always had a house to live in and food on the table.  I can only imagine the pressure he felt, the disappointment, the enormous responsibility of struggling to provide for his family, likely even embarrassment to be living where he was living. 

Do me a favor today.  Turn on the radio and listen to the commercials.  I’m constantly surprised at how many companies are advertising their services to help people eliminate mortgages, credit card debt and taxes they accrued by their own fee will with no consequences.  Yes, I understand that banks and other lending institutions were bailed out by the government and we would all like some of that to be passed on to us.  I’m as guilty as anyone else of spending beyond my means, living paycheck to paycheck and suffering the consequences.  My grandfather would be shocked, probably disgusted if he saw what I spend my money on. 

Oh, and one other thing….when my great-grandfather passed away at the young age of 42…he was completely debt free.

I'm Back

Did anyone even notice I was gone?  So last week I decided that I had enough and headed out for a quick, completely spontaneous vacation to Tahiti.  It was so nice to be relaxing on the sparkling beaches, looking over the ocean without a care in the world.  Ok, so I was really in Idaho deer hunting but that's the same thing, right?  It was Wally's first deer hunt so he, my dad, my brother and I headed north to be stinky, manly men. 

When I came home from a week with the guys I decided it would be wise to take the wife out to dinner.  We went to Little Caesars to pick up pizza for the kids and, while I was there, I decided there is a trend in the fast food industry that is driving me crazy.  It started at Arctic Circle.  Every once in a while we stop by Arctic Circle for ice cream.  It has always bugged me to pull up at the drive thru and have them say, "Welcome to Arctic Circle.  Can I interest you in a combo meal tonight?"  Then I have to reply, "No thanks, I think I'd like some ice cream."

In business school I learned why fast food restaurants are so successful.  It's not that the food is exceptional, fast food restaurants are successful because they are cheap and when you go there you know exactly what you are getting.  At the restaurant where the wife and I went, I asked the waiter if he recommended anything on the menu.  But think about it, when was the last time you went to McDonalds, Little Caesars or Burger King and had to ask for recommendations?  Which brings me back to my story....I'm sure everyone is familiar with the Hot n Ready Pizza for $5 at Little Caesars.  I hate it when I walk in and order two Hot n Ready Pizzas only to have the cashier point out the obvious sign in front of the register advertising a more premium pizza for $3 more.  I always feel so awkward smiling and saying, "No thanks, I think I really do want what I told you I want." 

When you were in college and a guy would come to your apartment and ask for Sharon would you say, "Yes, she's here but so is Carol, are you sure you don't want to see her?"  When kids knock at your door and ask to play with Danny do you say, "He's here, but wouldn't you rather play with Johnny?" 

I'm beginning to wonder if this is all part of Obama's plan.  Maybe fast food establishments have been instructed by the Obama administration to tell us what we want in order to desensitize us, further convincing us that others know what's best for us more than we do.  Once we are sufficiently prepared maybe we'll be more accepting of Obamacare.

Psychology 101

Whenever the wife gets mad at me, for any of the million reasons she does (justifiably so in most cases), I have a certain tactic I like to use to defend myself.  Rather than face my own shortcomings and try to improve myself, I like to mention other people who are worse than I am. I think this tactic deserves a name so let’s call it the “It Could Be Worse, At Least You’re Not Married To Tiger Woods Strategy” or “Tiger Tactic” for short.  Yeah, I like that last one better.

Now, on to a practical approach to the Tiger Tactic.  Let’s imagine a completely fictitious situation.  I dunno…maybe I write a post on my blog about pushing little kids around and include pictures of me doing something completely absurd like throwing a three year old 9-10 miles into the air.  Wow, that sounds really ridiculous, maybe I need to think of a more realistic example. I mean, who would actually do something like that, right?  Anyway, now let’s suppose people don’t really approve of this action and I get some negative feedback.  In this situation, most people would recommend explaining that I really don’t push little kids around and that the pictures are misleading.  Another option might be to express remorse, apologize and promise to never let it happen again.  Well I’m not most people.  The following is a story on how to properly apply the Tiger Tactic:

The wife teaches Sunday School at Church to the 15 and 16 year old youth. Sometimes I like to sit in with her while she teaches.  In case you live in a cave, teenagers have a very short attention span (especially at church) so it’s important to mix things up a bit to keep their attention.  One activity we do to break up the monotony is asking the kids to tell a funny story about their parents.  Yes, parents would kill us if they knew so please don’t rat us out on this one.  Anyway, here are a couple of funny stories they told us.

1-     My dad has a really bad temper and used to use a belt on me when I’d misbehave.

2-     My dad got really mad and threw a wheelchair down the stairs (no, nobody was actually in the wheelchair when he threw it). 

3-     Once my mom got really mad and disappeared for a week and wouldn’t answer her phone.  We think she stayed in a hotel, but aren’t really sure.

4-     I wanted to jump on the trampoline but my sister was sitting on it playing her guitar.  I dunno, I guess I was just feeling kinda weird so I broke her guitar.  My dad grounded me so I snuck out my window cause, I dunno, I was kinda freaking out for some reason.  Later he came into my room and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride.  I hate it when he does that cause that just means he wants to talk (yes, in case you couldn’t tell, this kid is a football player). 

There, in comparison I’m not such a bad guy, am I?  Oh, by the way, if you happen to be one of these examples I apologize for knowing but promise your secret is safe with me.  Trust me, we all have our moments.

The Girl Who Could Fly

One of the best advantages of having kids is that they are small and I can easily push them around.  Take these pictures for example.  Zoom on her face.  Does it look like she really wanted to be thrown to the edge of the stratosphere?

Cyclone

The wife has three younger brothers, two of which are significantly younger than she is.  Because they are young and trendy, they are the “cool uncles.”  A negative aspect of this relationship is that my kids get way too much exposure to video games and rap music. 

Two years ago I was bringing the boys home from basketball practice when they, of course, made me turn the stereo to a rap station.  The chorus of the song that was on repeated, “She moves her body like a cyclone.”  As if this wasn’t bad enough, five year old Lunch Meat proceeded to tell me, “I saw this video at Grandma’s house.   She really does move her body like a cyclone….”  I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Oh boy, where is this one going,” when he finished, “….it’s DISGUSTING!!!” 

The two lessons I learned from this experience are 1) I needed to more closely monitor the music my children listen to and 2) keep encouraging my boys that it really is disgusting when women move their bodies like a cyclone for at least 10 more years. 

Culture Club

On Friday night we went to my cousin's wedding reception at her family's home on a ski resort.  She and her siblings have grown up overseas, very wealthy, traveling the world and absorbing vast amounts of culture.  Having done so, they have experienced a much broader range of food, art and people than the rest of the family. 

Since they basically grew up in Japan, the buffet at the reception was a bit different than the typical cup of nuts, piece of chocolate and lemonade that we are used to.  I picked up my food, including a couple of pieces of sushi and some wasabi and was headed to sit down when my sweet grandma quietly pulled me aside and whispered, "Don't eat the green stuff, it's not really guacamole."