Paying it Forward

I'm not a blog stalker.  In fact, the only blogs I have ever really read were Nienie and the occasional search for old high school classmates.  Since I started this blog I have noticed other blogs and many have one thing in common....they are all pretty dang girly and crafty.  If I ever feel the urge to improve my table arrangements or decorate for an upcoming holiday, I know the wonderful world of blogs will give me everything I need.

I suppose it’s time for me to pay it forward and provide some useful information to the blogging world so here we go.

How to Fix a Bicycle Tire, the Man’s Way

INTRODUCTION:  It is important to remember that the principles discussed in this article can be applied to all manly tasks.  I have found them particularly useful in assembling cribs and swing sets, repairing lawn mowers and making that pesky stroller fit in the tiny trunk of a Honda Civic (for the entertaining version of this story feel free to contact the wife).

When completing a manly task it is imperative to keep in mind that the job has not been successfully completed until the wife has stormed away in anger or offered to do the job herself and at least one child is in tears.

Step 1:  Put off doing the job for at least two weeks.  No matter how often or how intense the nagging gets, a manly man always puts off doing the job.  This allows the wife and/or children to more fully appreciate the job once it has been completed.

Step 2:  Complain about your lack of sleep and the hard day you have already put in as you set up the bike and gather the needed tools.  Raise your voice significantly higher when someone has misplaced the bike pump.

Step 3:  Remove the cap from the valve stem and release as much air as possible from the tube.  Insert large screwdriver between the tire and the rim and attempt to pry the tire from the rim.  Utter a low-level curse word just loud enough for any spectators to hear when the tire finally slips off the rim and your knuckles hit the concrete and begin to bleed.  The curse word will remind any spectators that you are feeling slightly volatile at this point and it is best for them to keep their distance.

Step 4:  Nag the wife about the dishes in the sink as you remove them, making sure to spread them all over the countertop.  During this process I have found it most effective to once again remind everyone within shouting distance that I have already put in a full day of work.  Wives really appreciate the intimation that while you were working hard all day long she was relaxing, allowing the dishes to pile up in the sink.

Step 5:  Fill the sink, inflate the bike tube and prepare to dunk it in the water.  At this point show the children and the wife all of the many patches you have already placed on the bike tube.  This will impress them, as they will be reminded just how much work you do for them.

Step 6:  Dunk the tube in the water and identify the leak where the bubbles are coming out.  Hold your finger near the hole as you dry off the tube.  Curse a mid-level swear word when you lose track of the hole.  Repeat Step 6 and mark the hole with a sharpie.

Step 7:  Secure a patch and attempt to remove the lid from the used tube of glue.  Curse an upper-level swear word quietly when glue squirts into your mouth from removing the lid with your teeth.

Step 8:  Apply glue to the area surrounding the leak and place a patch over the glue.  Complain boisterously about how the glue is supposed to dry quickly but the patch keeps sliding around the surface of the tube because of the wet glue.

Step 9:  Place tube and tire on the rim, inserting the stem first.  Attempt to fit the tire around the circumference of the rim.  At this point it is always necessary to curse loudly and violently because the tire has shrunk 4 sizes and no longer fits on the rim.

Step 10:  Use a screwdriver to pry on the tire, inflate tire and attempt to attach tire to bike frame. Curse and throw something when the tire doesn’t fit through the brake calipers because you inflated it.

Step 11:  Deflate tire, attach to bike frame and reinflate the tire.

Step 12:  Repeat all steps the following day when you have either 1) poked a hole in the tube with the screwdriver when attempting to fit it on the rim or 2) a small leak is coming from under the patch because you didn’t give the glue enough time to dry.

By following these steps you will ensure that the wife won’t ask you to do another project for at least another 2 days.