Day Off

So today I had the day off of work.  Turns out there actually are benefits to working for an old school, redneck company that still gives their employees the first Monday of the deer hunt off. Having the day off was very insightful into a day in the life of the wife.  We let the kids get up an hour late and get ready for school all by themselves while we slept in.  By about 10:00 we pulled ourselves out of bed, had brunch and tea on the bistro set under the pergola in the yard catching up on the local gossip with the neighborhood ladies then spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Maury Show.  The day was so enjoyable I think I’ll quit my job and invite TLC over to start a reality show based on my life.

Ok, so the day didn’t really go down like that, although I actually did catch the end of Maury.  Today’s show involved two women who had each invited two men onto the show to take a paternity test to find out who was the father of her baby.  My favorite woman was a delicate, 300lb daisy who bawled and wailed like our old milk cow Bessy after she had spent all afternoon feasting in the onion patch and got a terrible stomach ache.  When the test results came back her earring laden one-nighter promised to be a great father to her child while she scolded him sternly.  I see nothing but years upon years of wedded bliss in their future.  During a commercial break Maury invited anyone who suspects her mother is sleeping with her husband or boyfriend to call the show.  After observing this despicable and regrettable reflection of American society I have only two words to say…  AWE SOME!!!!!

I wanna be on Maury so badly now.  Since I don’t think my mother is sleeping with my husband OR my boyfriend, I decided to send Maury some of my true life experiences to see if he’ll invite me and one of my enemies onto the show.  Let me know which one I should send in.

Contestant #1:  This former neighbor hauled my cat first to the pound, then to a town 15 miles away, only to see him return time and time again.  He said we should keep the cats on a leash when we let them outside.  Thanks to this neighbor I have a police record for having a dog (a ferocious one at that) at large.  If you don’t believe me, simply check the site www.utahsright.com and search my name. 

Contestant #2:  This former friend was one of my best friends in high school.  He has spent the last 10 years out of state but recently returned home.  In a city league basketball game last year he taunted me, then tried to pick a fight with me because my team was winning.  Then, after the game, he put his arm around my shoulder and loved me up like nothing had happened.

Contestant #3: This current neighbor was pregnant and violently ill.  While playing a card game together I might have taken the smack talk and tomfoolery a bit too far as, three years later, she still gives me the stink eye each time she sees me.  I’ve treaded lightly around her these past three years for three reasons  1) I feel bad for my obnoxious behavior at her expense, 2) She has a brother with a neck thicker than my waist who seems very protective of her and  3) She maintains in her possession a photograph of me that I am not proud of that I definitely don't want to go viral.

Your input would be greatly appreciated.  Votes will be accepted until Friday.  My filter is broken and I approve of this message.